Body function and self image.

I referred to this in another post. I had thought to combine the topics, but both grew a bit of leg so two posts it is.

I realized sometime after I’d had my c-section how tied up in body image being able to birth normally was. Just a huge feeling of what are these parts of me good for if I can’t birth a baby. I’ve seen women dealing with prematurity expressing these sentiments as well. You begin to feel an inferior woman when your female specific parts don’t function as advertised. I’ve mostly been able to dismiss them as irrational as I knew from the beginning that my c-section was a baby issue, not mine, but it still rankles a bit. It’s certainly a body issue thing. Why have these massive hips if babies aren’t able to come out of them? What’s the good in being built as I am if none of it works right?

The breastfeeding issues we had were much harder to bear because for about 8 months I thought it was my issue and mine alone. I feel more now that it was a baby issue, but those 8 months of self loathing induced by looking at my inappropriately functioning body still linger. I often wished during that time that I had made a clean break for my psychological welfare. Once I got to not needing assisting devices I was happy enough I’d continued, but I had a lot of regretful feelings about being stubborn during those eight months. All the insecurities of adolescence over extra weight, uneven breasts, extra hair and body shape, all come crashing down when what’s supposed to work doesn’t. The more I read about what caused mother-side breastfeeding issues the more I began to focus self loathing on attributes I’d never liked but had come to accept as unchangeable parts of myself. All those things I long thought I’d learned to deal with or ignore. They were something it became more ok to hate about myself because they were signs of something wrong with me, outward signs of how I was failing my child.

I know body image during and post pregnancy is an issue that plagues a lot of women. Well, not just during and after pregnancy, but those who may have been secure enough before become less so when faced with pregnancy changes. So many seem to dread stretch marks, sagging skin and the other trials of baby-growing. It seems quasi-normal for women to be in a perpetual state of self-doubt and loathing over their appearance. I’ve been able to put that aside for the most part. Perhaps it’s the few years I spent living with nudity inclined strippers that has made me more secure in my body, perhaps it’s the years I spent purposely not shaving my legs as a teenager as social experiment, and still finding validation of being attractive, maybe it’s knowing that I’ve done what I can to lose weight and make my body healthier, or maybe I just have a strong sense of who fucking cares about that issue (certainly not about others apparently though). Whatever it is I have no issue putting on a swim suit or being nude in semi-public situations. I do find I’m still more ashamed of my breasts. Even though now I don’t think they did anything wrong, the loathing our breastfeeding issues awakened within me means I find their lopsided appearance shameful. Oh I still nursed in public, but showing them not in use gives me what must be a normal dose of modesty. I didn’t want people to see my source of shame. Even though it might not even be the case that they are faulty, or that the majority of anyone who would notice the unevenness would know it meant anything, it was something I began taking extra pains to hide.

Of course, now having been through that and out the other side there’s the comfort one can take in how our children love us no matter what we look like and how outwardly flawed we might be to others. I have dreadful upper arm flab, aka bingo-wings. However, my daughter loves them. Funnily enough I remember loving my grandmother’s upper arms as well. Not to the extent my daughter loves mine though. I think they act as a substitute boobie for her. She pinches them, nuzzles them and rubs her face on them frequently. It’s oddly comforting that my child loves such a conventionally unattractive part of me.  I used to comfort myself with that early on in our issues. That my baby loved my boobs even if they weren’t working right. It really hit home one day when she was about 15 weeks old. I was having her have nothing but a bottle all day in preparation for her going off to daycare. and every time I picked her up she’d stick her hand down my shirt and stroke my breasts and cry. It was heartbreaking, but after that day I didn’t cry every day about breastfeeding. (I managed to drop down to only around 5 days a week. Ha.)

Body image problems are not something I want to pass on to my current or future daughter. My mother, never noticeably overweight, was a constant dieter, constantly putting her body down and starving herself. I remember being maybe three or four and asking if I was fat and indicating hatred of my child-belly because it wasn’t something a barbie doll or iconic female body had. My mother got really upset with me. I didn’t understand why at the time, that she was upset I’d picked that sort of thing up. I just internalized it as there was something wrong, and so I remember. This was probably reinforced by my various family members having me weigh my food at age eight…

I don’t want concern about my body function to bleed through to concern about my body image.

Fussing over my body appearance isn’t something I do often. I only really feel frustration when I have to shop for clothing. Hopefully my general lack of concern with how I ‘ought’ to look versus how I do look will serve my children well.

Lip service

I had a substitute midwife the other day. The sub had a cursory look through my notes and got to the part where I was planning a VBAC and exclaimed, ‘oh good for you! that will be a good achievement’.

That earned her a dirty look

I don’t think she noticed.

It’s infinitely frustrating to me that a VBAC is the preferred option here (if not medically contraindicated), and people seem reasonably supportive towards it on the surface, but finding actual support for having one is much harder to come by. Several women in my due date group who sustained 3rd or 4th degree tears with previous labours have already had letters from obstetricians about their personal risks and why a VBAC is not a wise choice for them. Which I think is a fine choice given their circumstances. If I had had that problem I’d be glad of the repeat c-section option. I can only assume that because I’ve had no such communiques that I’m getting progressively more cleared for a trial of VBAC. But as I outlined earlier, finding a provider to consider me for a VBAC was quite the chore.

It also seems a reasonably common assumption that women want a vaginal birth for the achievement. Is that true? I feel a bit like what is said, and what is actually desired is mixed up. People say they are sad or upset for not achieving a vaginal birth in the first place, or in subsequent cases, but I don’t think it’s necessarily because there’s any glory in pushing a baby out. Oh sure, it can be a trial and an effort to be proud of, but there’s still a strong stigma that a c-section is an easy option. That you had one because you couldn’t hack the vaginal birth thing. Which of course is utter bullshit. Like breastfeeding, birthing isn’t fully up to the mother’s will. And there will always be confounding factors of anatomy, biological or medical circumstance, and healthful outcomes for all parties. Sure there’s a fair amount of drumming on about women’s bodies are made to birth and so on, but I’d think a thoughtful person might have actual reasons. I know my reasons in particular are both recovery and long term health based. Much like my reasons for avoiding various forms of pain relief are baby health and my recovery based. I want it because I believe, based on research articles, it’s better for me and my baby. Not because it’s an achievement. To trot out that hackneyed phrase ‘you don’t get a medal’. No, no you don’t, but you do manage to do what you’ve decided is best. That and I believe that using your body the way you want to is tied up in body image. More on that in another post.

It should go without saying that a reasonable person will be open to a risk assessment and should one option become the safer choice, choose that. I do think there is a fair amount of propaganda, as well as lack of support, that can sway people out of reason and into ‘achievement zone’ where the act does become an achievement and less about the the healthiest outcome for everyone involved.

So there is a recent study showing a repeat c-section to be safer (gauged in terms of maternal and infant complications) than a VBAC. I found the study ridiculous personally because while it had some other reasonable controls it made no effort to control for reason for previous c-section, let alone the seemingly very basic contrast of medical outcomes of VBAC with a vaginal birth. All it really answered in my view, was that an elective c-section at 38 weeks, when the woman is not in labour,  is safer than a vaginal birth for the baby. They are apparently doing long term health followups, but it’s the kind of study that looks conclusive, and will probably be used to sway some practitioners and patients, but doesn’t really compare apples to apples (VBAC versus vaginal birth). Also as it’s Australian it shouldn’t be applied to somewhere like the US. Australian obstetricians are the most highly trained in the world.

Obvious parallels can be drawn between the superficial support for vaginal birthing after caesarian and breastfeeding. In both cases the burden of effort is placed on someone important, but not someone equipped to handle it alone. Indeed, the mother has to want to do either to have a chance of success, but that’s only the first step. Effective and available support needs to be accessible for both situations. I’ve often felt like the psychological issues that come with unplanned birthing circumstances and breastfeeding issues are very similar and could gain more recognition from banding together in a common cause. Imagine the outrage if rather than the breast is best campaign there were a vaginal birth is best movement. Because a vaginal birth is clearly (clearly) all about the mother wanting it enough. To think about it in that context highlights and clarifies the ridiculousness of both sentiments. Lip service is not enough.

Mothers and the internet.

I’m pretty sure there are 3 main types of mothers on the internet. Mothers who want advice or support, mothers who are lonely or bored, and mothers who have a mission. These can all really blend into each other as well.
I’ve just been wondering if there were such a thing as a non-judgmental mother on the internet. Then I realized, of course there are, but they aren’t the ones who you’ll notice. They aren’t going to be giving abrasive advice.  Chances are they aren’t going to say very much of anything to those asking for advice. They might be reading, cocking an eyebrow at the advice and diatribes you’ve gotten and meandering on.

 

Loads of mothers want advice or support. From anything to being a new parent, to dealing with serious medical issues. It’s normal to want experiences, advice and support. And of course being faced with a difficult problem can make you feel isolated, leading to loneliness and so on.
Mothers on a mission. Oh so many types. These can range from the converts- I didn’t know better, but now I do and I’m going to instruct you all, to those who are clandestinely insecure, but proclaim their actions to the world to get attention and reinforcement and put others down to bring themselves up. Phrases you might hear- ‘I do it because I care about babies’, ‘I’m just stating facts’, and so on. Pretty much these people fall on the no-tact side of arguments. Having been there and done that apparently lends license to talk down to people with little regard for others situations.

Now lots of mothers are lonely. It goes with the territory. It’s not uncommon to be baking a baby and have friends drop away. Your priorities change, your life changes and suddenly you are in a lonely place. It’s a peril of our culture. Seems loneliness can figure in all of these. From the mother who is the first of her friends to have children and finds herself increasingly isolated from her pre-baby life, to the one who makes a mother-based career change and struggles with getting out and meeting new people, loneliness is rampant. Or hell, maybe they are just mildly bored and looking for some mental stimulation.

What else is there to be said about this really? I think this is one of those things where knowing is half the battle.

People use facts aggressively and retreat behind the ‘I’m just stating facts, not making judgements’ barrier. As a counter to that people often perceive a lack of confluence or agreement with their methods as condemnation. Basically it’s insecurity that feels hurtful when someone does something differently. Many magazines, books and online resources only serve to pit mothers against each other and convince the mildly insecure that they do indeed have something to be insecure about. If online life as a mother is so fraught with pitfalls and group-think (the topics of which is entirely dependent on the community), no wonder real life seems intimidating and ends up feeling isolating. Something important to keep in mind is what do you care if someone you don’t know on the internet disagrees with you? Are they going to come over to your house and do it differently for you? No? Well then. As a veteran of some mommy-war skirmishes I can say it’s the isolation from real people that does you in. Real people can be, but are hardly ever, as ridiculously outspoken as those you’re likely to encounter online.

Preparing for incompetence

I’m not sure how to feel.
I’m doing my best to be optimisitic. As several midwives have said, and I know, every breastfeeding experience is different. I’m certainly living a different pregnancy, so that point is well and truly home.

This child could have a totally different mouth shape, I should grow additional glandular tissue, things could go off without a hitch.

On the other hand I’m preparing for the worst. No one able to treat this simple issue, no official diagnosis, having to travel to an oral surgeon on the other island with a newborn and hoping that something can be done. Being refused.

I’m set up better this time, that’s certain. I have experience, I know what to look for…sort of. I have someone who says they will aid me with referrals and seeing specialists. It’s a very confusing feeling, being optimisitic while preparing for incompetence.

I have the what-ifs on all sides. What if things do appear normal? I’m going to still be paranoid and stressed. I’m going to worry that my supply will drop off if a problem is missed or dismissed. What if it is my issue with production? What if there is a problem and no one can see anything? I still don’t know what I’ll do in all situations. I can only hope that either things are normal and no problems appear, things are abnormal but easily recognized and fixable, or I can manage the problem the way I did before. That last one is certainly not the preferred option.

It feels bittersweet to think that my best option is a problem, easily recognized and largely fixable.

I wonder sometimes what I’m thinking. Walking back into this trauma, both to get it right, and because it’s the right thing for us to do.

Midwife accomplished

It only took me until nearly 8 weeks to nail one down, but I found one.  I’ve been somewhat sans time and definitely lacking energy to write up anything previous to this three weeks after the fact. Slowly getting over the effects of ‘worst’ trimester, though I expect to have some lingering nausea for another 4 weeks at least.

I interviewed a few more midwives. As per before it was a lot of ‘I’m on leave then, talk to this person’, which sometimes turned into another link to follow up. A bit frustrating. I was pretty much down to two, though leaning toward the one I eventually chose, when I interviewed the second to last one. A few things put me off. She mentioned she wasn’t epidural certified. This got an eyebrow raise out me. I wasn’t aware it was something midwives here had to be certified for. She explained that if I did end up having an epidural that she’d have to get another midwife to attend me. Huh. I’m not planning on having an epidural at all, but if having baby one taught me anything it’s be prepared for anything. She also seemed oddly non-supportive of my VBAC chances. Oh, she emphasized that 60-80% are successful, but then talked about ruptures and instrumental deliveries and such. Sort of a lot of mixed messages.She was full of the ‘next time will be different’ for breastfeeding, which I appreciate is true, but I’m doing my damnedest to be prepared. The other odd thing is that that she said my hips will have widened from carrying a kid around on my hip. I’m not sure that’s how it works… Considering child one was apparently posterior on removal and I had no back pain during contractions I think that indicates my pelvic cavity is plenty roomy.

So then the other one. Well, from all my talking, unless I was very adamant about it I wasn’t a prime candidate for a home birth or birth centre birth. Which isn’t really that huge of a deal. I mean, the hospitals are ok. Teeny bit clinical, but they have ensuite bathrooms and showers, dimmer switches for the lights, birthing balls, bars and stools. There are two birthing pools there, the midwives have dominion over the process until they hit the emergency call button. So, you know, whatever. It was more a logistical desire for a homebirth rather than a fear of intervention. I don’t really think I had too much intervention last time. I think most things were justified. However, the one thing I was kind of wanting a homebirth for was the not having to stay at a birthing centre for a few days. I mean, they feed you and stuff, but it’s not super restful. Also I have a toddler now and I will have no help from my husband if he has to stay home with the toddler for those days. So when this midwife said I could go straight home and that she’d give me as much postnatal care as I wanted that was a huge tipping point. This midwife is very willing to be supportive of breastfeeding issues. I don’t get a pre-birth lactation consultant referral, but I do get one as soon as I want one. She also recognized that milk production issues are real. So I’m feeling supported there. Probably as much as I can hope for. She also wanted to know what my other midwives did that I didn’t like, so I told her about the weighings and the stress of that and so she knows how traumatic I found that aspect.

I actually felt a little like my issues were taken less seriously by all the midwives I talked to because I did end up breastfeeding for 18-19 months. I’ve kind of tried to emphasize it was very much walking a narrow line for some time and I mostly self taught,  which seems to decrease the perception of the seriousness of the issue as well- I mean if I did it alone it was probably a reasonably easily fixable problem, right? Well, maybe it was. Anyhow, the fact that despite the issues I did go for that long make my issues be taken less seriously does worry me some.

I’m mostly happy so far with my choice. I do have some niggling doubts about how the birth may go, just because I do have less easily available options because of the previous C-section, but I’m fully reassured about my postpartum care.

The great midwife hunt

I didn’t think this would be difficult.

I’m already frustrated. I know it’s mostly me being silly at this stage. After all I’ve only known, as it were, for less than a week.  But to date I’ve called 6 midwives or midwife practices. I was outright denied by one for initially enquiring about the possibility of a home birth with VBAC. I’m not totally set on that, I just wanted to know my options. But I got a ‘No, better luck elsewhere’ from that practice.  I heard back from another midwife who, after I’d revised my question to ‘I want to try for a VBAC, what are my options’ (much more open ended yes?) told me that hospital or home are the only options because the birthing centres don’t do VBACs. Sadface for me. One less option available. I heard back from another midwife I’d had high hopes for, only to be told she’s going on vacation the few weeks around when I’m due. She referred me to someone else, but I have to wait a few weeks for that person to get back from vacation. The others I have not yet heard back from. My main hurry is getting a good midwife booking with someone who I can work well with.

I feel like the c-section was a gateway medical procedure. We’ll give you this one, and then you’ll have no choice but to keep coming back. Insert evil laugh. I know it’s not like that. Until this midwife hunt started I was much less bothered about having had a c-section. Something about getting denied birth choices because of having a medically necessary procedure rankles me though. One of the midwives I talked to spent a bit of time giving me the’ it was necessary, you aren’t a failure’ spiel. Her attitude kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I know the feeling of failure is a common one and I’m glad I didn’t have it, because I sure had it for other things, but still. She was full of the every breastfeeding experience is different attitude as well. While that may be true the majority of the time I’d like to be proactive just in case thankyouverymuch. I much prefer the other tack of asking the circumstances and being told, ‘yep, that’s a darn good reason to have had a c-section’. I’ve been ok with my c-section more or less. I know it wasn’t anything I did. It still irks me that it limits my options. I mean other than the whole major surgery thing the aspects that most concern me are the gut bacteria inoculation, the squeeze of the lungs that happens with normal vaginal birth and the other biological cues that can get confused with a surgical birth.

Well it’s now another week on and my pregnancy lack of motivation has set in. This is due to a combination of morning sickness and fatigue. I kind of figured it would come, but I wasn’t expecting morning sickness so early this time. No strong food aversions yet, fingers crossed. Things have not greatly improved on the midwife front. Next week I’ll be able to call the recommended midwife, and I have a meeting with another one. I had hoped to have either a solid recommended choice in the running or more than two to ask questions of, but two is where I’m at. If neither of those works out I don’t know what I’ll do. One I’ve already talked to seems nice enough, so it’s more a matter of checking her out thoroughly as well as the one I have yet to talk to. In the mean time I’ve been referred around as it seems an unusual number of midwives are going away around my due date. I wouldn’t have pegged late September/early October as a travel time, but out of the ten or so midwives I’ve contacted three are going to be away during that time, one is pregnant, I’m going to try and meet with two of them, one didn’t seem right, another was kind of flakey, one practice outright denied me, and the rest didn’t call back.

So, next week I’ll finally nail down a midwife. I hope.

In other news kidlet has stopped breastfeeding. We had been down to once a day at my insistence, I’d dropped to once a week, got pregnant, decided I’d let her have free rein, she went back up to every other day, then started pinching my nipples and treating putting the boob in her mouth like a huge joke. Like she’d put her mouth on it, then giggle and act like she was pretending and she’s the silliest thing ever for doing that. She’s still quite fond of groping me. I do not like the groping and pinching, and put a stop to it when it starts (which may occasion much howling and screaming), but her putting her hand down my shirt for a feel and a cuddle is ok.  I have fairly neutral feelings about this. I’m not sad as we had a good run, not really happy either since I didn’t mind terribly. I expect she’ll want to start up again if there’s a new baby having milk.

Choosing a professional-here we go again

So, the time has come. I need to choose a new midwife. This time, however, I’m going to have a list of questions to hopefully ensure a breastfeeding friendly and low supply tolerant experience.

I’m sure someone who needed to hear from a professional that giving formula was an ok thing to do would have been happy with my previous midwives. I mean, I was pretty happy with them until the breastfeeding issues cropped up. Then I just felt betrayed. I know some women seek approval that it’s an ok thing to do after being bombarded with ‘breast is the only way’ messages. And it is if that’s what you want to do. And fine for them, but I wanted to figure out the problem, not be fobbed off with no answers and a substitute.

For me though my goal was breastfeeding, not necessarily breast milk. Oh originally the goal was exclusive breastfeeding with pumped milk in bottles once daycare started. I thought that was a matter of work, not biology . I kind of chuckle now at my naiveté. Some of the benefits my husband and I considered most important before #1 was born were the problem solving skills babies gain at the breast, the oral development benefits, and the skin to skin. I’ve thought critically about potential issues with future children. I had decided at one point that if I got a non-latching baby for #2+ I’d go straight to bottle feeding because pumping doesn’t work well for me and the extra effort would not be fair to number #1.  Now, I don’t necessarily think that since I know a lot more of the reasons behind failure to latch. Plus I’m a bit anti-bottle for me. Ideally if problems do occur that can’t or won’t be fixed via oral surgery then I could just do what I did last time and use the SNS. But I’m hopeful things will be fixable.

I’ve been stockpiling questions for potential midwives for months now. When I got my fertility back I thought that I’d better work on this list some more.  But now I actually need to find a midwife.

Some of them are general and related to the nature of the health system and midwifery practice here. Some are more specific to low supply and oral issues.

I’ve ranked them in order of importance to me 1 being highest 3 being lowest, or things I’m willing to be flexible on. Ideally I’d get a lot of favourable answers to the #1 questions.  I’d probably also ask some of the #1 questions first, since a few things (like if they attend VBACs) are obviously critical enough that if the answer is no then I shouldn’t waste any more of either of our time.

Birth–

I am due x, are you taking new clients during that time?(1)

VBAC? y/n?(1)

how many births per month do you attend, are you LMC (lead maternity carer) for, how long have you been in practice? (2)

(Ideal is 3-5 per midwife, so 3-5 for 1, 6-10 for a team of 2, 9-15 for a team of 3. I think I’d like to see in excess of 150 total attended at that rate of practice which would be at least 3 years practice)

(attend vbac)Home or birth centre birth?(2)

(If I find a great midwife that meets the other criteria but she’ll only do VBACs in hospital, my after care is more important than where I give birth. The hospitals do encourage natural birth and midwives are independent. I was set up to use one of the pool rooms last time, but we failed the fetal distress test prior to hopping in the pool)

vbac success rate?(2)

episiotomy rate? (2)

I was really fussed about this before having my first. Now, not so much. Funny how abdominal surgery (which admittedly wasn’t that bad for me) changes your mind on that.

Do you keep other birth statistics and if so what? Anything you are happy with/proud of?

If home or centre birth, hospital transfer rate?

Do you have hospital rights? What happens if I need to transfer?

What are your philosophies on birth? Natural or otherwise?

After care–

Guidelines for supplementation in the infant?(weight loss, lack of bowel movement, other factors (if so what?)) (1)

I think my midwives jumped the gun on worrying about weight loss. My daughter did lose a lot of weight-but I was over-hydrated with IV’s both before and after pregnancy, and it was a c-section. There certainly was an issue as there was a conspicuous lack of poo from days 2-6 and beyond, and no weight was gained from days 5-15 (in fact it was lost despite 18 hour nursing days during that time). Only 90g were gained overall before supplementation started, and only after I managed to get some pumped milk into my baby. Of course after that ran out…. That and she had not regained birth weight by 5 weeks (mainly as I was limiting supplement to stimulate my supply).

Would you be open to a LC referral during pregnancy and immediately afterward(preemptive)? (1)

One of the big problems was that my previous midwives tried to fix the issue themselves-by telling me to pump and refusing to seek outside help because they were lactation ‘counselors’. 

Do you have a LC that you work with or recommend or is it luck of the draw/referral system? (2)

I am prepared to seek private help from one of the 1-2 IBCLCs in town if I can’t get a guarantee on a LC referral. I also want to know what kind of qualification and experience anyone I’m referred to might have–otherwise I may as well choose my own.  But I want to know sooner rather than later. I do not want to have to scramble to find a LC. I’m also going to try and see what resources LLL has to offer-before I’m feeling vulnerable.

Have you worked with women with low supply and/or babies with suspected posterior tongue and or lip tie?  What is the procedure there?(1)

I still worry that a posterior tie isn’t the problem. She does have a pretty good range of motion with her tongue and these days she bites me when I try to feel the underside of her tongue. I doubt. But she certainly has a lip tie. If that could have caused all the issues I want to get that cut for baby#2. 

General–

Where are your rooms and what days are your appointments? (3)

As appointments start out 4 weekly, moving to biweekly at 28+ weeks and weekly at 36+ I can stand to drive across town on days I work for the right midwife.

Who is/are your backup

How often do you expect that I will see them? Before or after the birth? Do they share your philosophies and will they continue my care as you might be expected to?

 It’s important that a backup doesn’t counter anything  my midwife is helping me with- i.e. telling me to supplement rather than continuing to work on the problem, not wanting to refer me somewhere that my midwife had said I would be referred to and so on.

What happens when I go into labour/how long after will you arrive?(2)

As I was working with a team last time I started out the evening talking to one midwife on the phone then got swapped to another one who kept putting me off. Which was kind of ok, I mean I was better off labouring some at home, but a bit annoying. The first one had told me that she’d be coming out to my house to check my progress so we could decide what to do (no hint that the other one would take over at 8pm), then the second one told me to hang out at home, watch some movies and call her in 2 hours. So I did, and repeat, and she was kind of grudging about having to get out of bed and eventually go to the hospital. Was a bit disappointing to say the least.

How does calling you work?

Last time the team had an extra fee per call pager service. So calling them up with random questions didn’t seem worthwhile. You had to talk to the people at the pager service and rate your level of need. So when I had called up with a non-urgent issue I sometimes didn’t get a call back.

Milk and casting resin jewelery tutorial

I was curious about this and I had some left over milk that my kid will not drink. I think it got all lipasey in the freezer and it’s past it’s best by date anyhow. Besides, she’s suspicious of anything not water in cups. So I had loads of milk to play with (I’d tried to donate it a while back but we got crossed signals and I didn’t try again). I live in New Zealand so the artist that does commissions in the US is not an option for me. Plus I’m a naturally curious person and I’ve done resin casting before (though of scientific specimens). So be warned, this is a long picture heavy post. The step by step procedures (with pictures) are at the end, after I explore some things that didn’t work (or worked not so well), so if that’s what you want, skip on down. I’m not going to do any commissions (as I said, I live in NZ), this is just a starter guide for those interested in DIY milk-resin work.

I found this but I thought I’d try a few other things as well

I tried plasticizing milk via the vinegar-casein method and it really did not work. My milk separated some, but the globules did not stick together. They were so tiny that they just passed through my ultrafine cheese cloth.  I’m not sure how it’s been done by other people. I know the Etsy artist who does commissions in the US and a French design company both have plasticized human breast milk. I know the Etsy artist uses relatively small quantities, and from looking at her work I’m quite curious as to how that much precipitate comes from the volume of milk she requests. I’ve made cheese in the past and I know how cow milk precipitates, so I’d expect even less from human milk. Perhaps some sort of dehydration method. Well, whatever it is, it’s an interesting trade secret.

This is my milk after adding rather a lot more vinegar than the cow milk plasticization recipe called for (and lemon juice when the vinegar failed to do anything).

Still pretty liquid. The image doesn’t show it well, but there were tiny tiny precipitates in there. They, however, did not stick together. I left it sit for a bit with not much change. And they went right through 2 layers of ultrafine cheesecloth. So chalk that up as a failure.

Anyhow, on to things that did work, in various ways.

So what you need:

  • Polyester clear casting resin. Mine is called Klear Kast. I bought 500ml of it (about 2 cups). You can get this from craft stores and even auto body hobby shops. Make sure it’s clear. There are some resins that are white and opaque when they harden. By the way, this (500ml) was an excessive amount even for experimenting. 250ml (1 cup) should be more than enough for any milk casting project alone. You’ll even have enough with that for some other small projects. Only buy more if you plan on doing some deep casting (like making paperweights or something).
  • Moulds. There are special resin casting moulds. They are kind of a heavy duty thicker translucent plastic. Again, check a craft store. I suppose you could try some of the cheaper chocolate or candy ones. I can’t really see any reason why not to use a chocolate or candy one. The resin does get hot and will melt things (left over resin setting melted the little plastic medicine cups I had mixed it up in), but surely something you pour molten candy or chocolate into would hold up? I don’t know. Use at your own discretion. The chocolate/candy moulds tend to have more intricate designs, which you may not want for your resin project.
  • Small plastic or paper cups for mixing in-disposable.
  • Popsicle sticks (or some other wide thing to stir with, aka something disposable eventually)
  • Gloves, face masks and a well ventilated work area.
  • Toothpicks
  • Your milk (you don’t need much if you know how you want to use it, otherwise if you want to play around you may need more-also consider playing around with cow milk if your milk is in short supply). I’ll include volumes of how much I used for each process. Make sure you pasteurize your milk (by heating on the stove or microwaving it until it’s nearly boiling) before using. Otherwise any bacteria in there can continue to grow and turn your project all kinds of colours you may not have intended.

Things you don’t need but may want depending on what you want to do

  • Commercial resin spray- (I found cooking oil left a bit of a cloudiness to some of my castings). I’d say you may only need this if you are working with a complicated mould. All of my shapes came out without using it.
  • Dyes if you want them.
  • Pictures, other beads, mementos, glitter etc.
  • Modelling clay. I bought Sculpey (I let my daughter pick a color, she picked sparkly blue) because I had an additional idea in mind. If you just want milk shapes, you can get any, preferably oil based,  kind.  If you might want coloured shapes as well, get something that you can bake like Sculpey or Fimo. If you aren’t a very good sculptor, I’m not an artist, but I have done some sculpting, there are push moulds available for this type of clay.
  • Plastic wrap
  • syringe or eyedropper-disposable is best. You’ll likely want one for your milk and possibly another one for resin use. I got through all my testing, though I reused some, with less than 5 disposable droppers.

So the numbers are 1: My thawed microwaved milk, 2: toothpicks, 3: my casting resin, 4: toilet paper for wiping stuff up (didn’t have paper towels), 5: That’s a straw for getting out air bubbles (didn’t need it), a wide handled scoop which proved to be very handy for stirring things since I didn’t have any popsicle sticks, and plastic bags (for cleanup, but also because I didn’t have plastic wrap), 6: plastic droppers for dropping milk, 7: My clay shapes, 8: my mould, and 9: my plastic medicine cups for mixing in.

So here’s the thing. Preparation is key. Get everything you might want and do a dry run, without resin made up, before you make your resin up. The resin brands vary and some have as few as 3 minutes of working time once the catalyst is added/ the solutions are mixed.

You should make up your resin in very small batches as it will harden up and be unusable if you forget something or are doing anything layered. Stir the resin and the catalyst/hardener with a popsicle stick in the plastic cups (while wearing your gloves and mask in your well ventilated area). The directions on mine has how to make up various volumes. The smallest was 1 ounce (30ml), so I pre-measured that volume with a marking pen on the side of one of my plastic cups. Everything has clothespins on it because it was windy and stuff was blowing away.

There are a few ways to do this. You can have abstract patterns, swirls etc, or you can have shapes.

To make abstract swirls, layers you mix the milk in (along with dyes, glitter, other beads etc) right before you pour it in the mould. It will not mix well. Use a popsicle stick or toothpick to mix it as it’s in the mould even. You can also pour a layer of resin (or dyed resin), wait for it to set, and then pour a milk mixed layer, set, pour another layer etc for a layered look.

Here are some results where I mixed about 10-15ml of my resin with around 4ml of milk. I mixed it really well and after a bit got it to be only bubbly looking, but of a uniform color. I poured that into a few moulds. On the left picture you can see that from the 10-15mls with added milk I got 4 (3 shown here) whole shapes and a few partial dribbles (shown in other pictures below). The right picture is a closeup of the bubbly appearance of the mix. I have no idea how this will hold up long-term, but after a few hours it was solid enough to remove from the mould. It was however tacky and flexible for several days. In subsequent tests of this method I had gummy shapes after letting the pour set overnight. So when you mix your milk and resin you will need to A) add extra catalyst, B) allow it to set for several days. Generally, after 2-3 days the gummy ones had set fairly well and hardened off after a week. I don’t think this in itself is a good long-term piece of jewelery. The milk resin cast shapes seem a bit brittle in texture. Maybe embedded in resin or coated with another clear coat they would be fine. I did find that it casts up much harder (not gummy) if you increase the amount of catalyst. I made several milk mix castings that are white, bubbly and opaque this way. This will only work if you have the kind of resin where you add a smaller amount of catalyst, rather than the kind where you mix equal volumes of two solutions.

          

To make shapes:

Mould your shape out of modelling clay. You are going for a bas-relief effect within your resin mould. So if I were to make a heart I’d make it sort of flattish and only finish it on one side. Make sure it is nice and smooth. You also want it to be smaller than the perimeter of your mould, so there will be resin all along the edges. A deep shape also works better than a shallow one.

Here are the shapes I made. I kept it simple and smooth-edged. So hearts, starts, moons. Make sure you measure them to your mould. Will they fit inside?

Now  wrap your model in plastic wrap. I used freezer bags and rubbed out the lines. Plastic wrap is a lot better since the freezer bags tended to un-cling (from themselves, the clay etc).

Pour your resin to the level you’d like your shape at, or halfway. Deeper holds the milk resin mix better and makes more of a contrast in the finished product.However, you don’t want your resin to go over the top of your clay shape. It will be very difficult to remove. So a deep, but straight edged shape is best. Now, while the resin is still liquid, use toothpicks to hold the model in place, shape and plastic wrap side in the resin.

Allow the resin to set for at least 24 hours (cover it with something, like a clean box, and set it out of the way. You pretty much can not bring this stuff inside unless you like the smell of varnish and paint thinner. So garages are cool. If you don’t have one, put a box upside down with rocks on it over this outside for the night). Now,  remove the plastic wrapped modeling clay, which should pop right out (but you may need to dig out), and dropper, pour, or syringe your milk-resin mix in there. See below for what happens if you use straight milk (even frozen). Allow your milk resin mix to set for at least a day, if not several days. Now, pour (or dropper, droppers work well for this) another thin layer of clear resin on top (you can always make up more), sealing the milk in and fill the mould the rest of the way.Don’t be afraid to overflow your mould a bit. You can sand off any imperfections later on. If you want to do a layered thing, maybe a photo or other memento you can put the photo in first or after the milk, but there should be a layer of resin between them.

So here are the various photos and what I did

Round 1:

From top, clockwise: Milk resin mix large oval, resin with clay shape large oval, milk resin mix small oval, milk resin mix long bar, resin with milk resin mix swirled in long bar, resin with clay shapes rounded rectangle, resin with milk resin swirl hexagon, milk resin mix heart.

Shapes held in place with toothpicks-solidifying

   

Set up, in the mould, after.

These were the initial ones I did where I put the clay (oiled in one case) right in the resin. I thought the oil, or the oiliness of the clay would allow it to come out. Alas, after much digging I only got most of it out. And blue dusty stuff everywhere.

Here they are after removing as much of the clay as I could (still blue tinted, as you can see. So unless you want that, use plastic wrap!):

With milk in:

I put milk in the recessed bits and froze it overnight, then poured clear resin on top of it. The milk when it thawed rose up through the second layer of resin. So that’s why you don’t use plain milk. These would have turned out great if I’d used a milk resin mix. It’s a shame these had the clay sticking issue (and the further milk issue) as these turned out very crisp.Well, lesson learned, experimentation and whatnot.

After less than an hour:

After several hours:

So that’s why I recommend mixing the milk and resin before putting it in the bas-relief shape. It’s a bit bubbly looking, but produces a slightly cleaner end product. You can see the results of putting a previously cast milk-resin shape into a larger shape above the heart in the second picture above. See below for finished versions of everything I tried. Still only 4ml or so of milk (which can actually make rather a lot of castings with the 10-15ml of resin).

Here’s round 2 in the mould:

Clockwise from top: Clear resin with previously cast milk-resin embedded in it, bas-relief resin with pure milk shape (used straight clay, had to dig out, left blue residue), clear resin with clay shapes embedded, bas-relief round 2 with plastic wrapped clay 1, bas-relief round 2 with plastic wrapped clay 2, milk resin mix squares (2 of them), bas-relief resin with 2 pure milk shapes (again, blue residue), clear resin with milk-resin swirled in it (hexagon), bas-relief round 2 with plastic wrapped clay 3, 2 drop shaped milk resin shapes, and 2 long rectangular milk resin shapes, trapezoid clear resin with swirled milk resin.

Here are the results from a more successful round.

Here are the processes and finished products from all rounds:

So what ultimately worked well.

Bas relief casting and pouring a milk resin mix (~4mls milk to 10-15 ml resin) into the recessed shape.

How to do:

  1. Mould your shape (that you want to be made of milk) out of clay and wrap it in plastic wrap.
  2. Make sure the shape fits in your mould (resin shape) and pour resin prepared per manufacturers directions into your mould.
  3. Place your shape supported by toothpicks into your mould, and make sure it is about halfway submerged in the resin. You don’t want it to be too much more than halfway or it will be difficult to remove.`
  4. Allow to set. After 4-6 hours you may be able to remove your shape, but allow to set at least overnight before doing the next steps.
  5. As you can see I’m reusing some of the plain milk experiment ones.
  6. Do any cleanup (removing errant clay, plastic wrap etc, any scraping you feel necessary and so on)
  7. Prepare a small amount more resin per manufacturers directions. Pour a smaller volume of it into a separate cup and add milk. I used 10-15ml resin and 4ml milk and had way more than I needed. I found 4ml milk in 10-15ml resin gave a uniform whiteness that still hardened up if I used extra catalyst. I also found that increasing the catalyst increased the setting speed. Mixing the milk and resin before adding the catalyst often gave a smoother mix.
  8. Stir up the milk resin mix until fairly uniform. It may mix well and it may retain a bubbly appearance (like oil and water)
  9. Pour (or dropper with a disposable dropper) some of this milk resin mix into your shape. Allow to set (You can pour clear resin over the top of this, but you risk the milk floating out) for a few hours if not overnight.
  10. A few examples
  11. Make up more clear resin per the manufacturers instructions and pour another layer, fully filling your mould, over the top of your milk resin mix. Allow to set at least 24 hours or per manufacturers instructions.
  12. Drill any holes and you have jewelry.

Here are some examples of this technique. You’ll notice some surface imperfections from resin rundown, but those are easily sanded away with a fine sandpaper. Cast resin polishes up well. You’ll also notice that some of the milk shapes are quite light. This is due to the shapes not being deep enough. This is after something like 4 or more separate shape runs and over a month of work, so I was getting a little tired since I had some I liked fairly well. Now that I (and you) know what to do I’ll adjust my future shapes accordingly. Deep, and well away from the walls of the mould.

Setting a milk-resin mix shape into a larger clear resin cast

  1. For this you will need a smaller mould whose shape fits inside a larger mould.
  2. Prepare a small amount of milk resin mix. I used 4ml milk to 10ml resin which made several castings.
  3. Stir until well mixed.
  4. Pour into first mould. Allow to set at least 48 hours (this will be tacky and flexible when you pull it out)
  5. Pour clear resin into second mould
  6. Place milk resin shape into second mould. Push into position with toothpicks.
  7. Allow to set
  8. Drill holes and you have jewelery

I actually like the way this one turned out best in terms of opaqueness and general appearance. Too bad I didn’t have many interesting shapes that fit into other shapes!

Swirling milk resin mix into resin

  1. Make up some clear resin per manufacturers instructions
  2. Pour off a small amount to a separate cup and add your milk. Stir to mix.
  3. Pour some clear resin into your mould shape of choice, but do not fill.
  4. Pour some milk-resin mix into the mould.
  5. Use a toothpick to swirl however you like it
  6. Pour more clear resin on top
  7. Allow to set per manufacturers directions
  8. Drill holes and you have jewelery

Here are some various examples of this technique.

Now that I have spent over a month testing things (getting resin on my brand new camera :( at least it’s only on the screen) and writing this post here are some more photos of my finished products. Here are some of my favourite results:

There are 6 (3 matching pairs) cast milk resin mix,  3 swirled resin mixes (2 small ovals and heart), 2 bas-relief cast shapes (oval with heart and trapezoid with heart), and 1 cast milk resin inside clear resin (oval in oval).

A close up of the non-solid milk resin cast ones. Same as above.

These all still need some minor sanding and drilling…but no drill yet so I can’t show off finished products.

Other tips. If you wanted a dyed layer decide if you want an opaque or transparent dye and where you want it. If you want an opaque dye, for example, behind your milk shape, you’d proceed as I described until step 9, then dropper a circle (or other shape) of dyed resin on top of the milk resin mix, let that set, then finish off with clear resin. Similarly if you want the whole thing translucently dyed, just use that instead of clear resin. If you want beads, glitter, a photo or other memento do a mock-up of how things will fit together so you know what order to put things in the resin.

Postmortem

I’ve been thinking about why some diagnoses make sense for me and others do not.  I’ve done mental lists before but I think it’s past time I did a postmortem analysis of my breastfeeding experience. Not that it’s dead just yet…

My midwives told me that it was my supply. So I pumped and I pumped, and I fed and I took herbs and domperidone… and it didn’t really seem to help. For a long time I thought baby not getting enough milk to gain weight or poop, and I can’t pump it out means it’s not there, right? Not necessarily. When my daughter was around 8 months I noticed a lip tie and read about the correlation between that and posterior tongue tie. So then I thought that was the issue, but I can make some points in favour of several causes.

I’m not sure the best way to group this. Maybe a reason for, reason against section for each suspected issue.

Symptoms in support of IGT:

I have breast asymmetry. It’s fairly noticeable. I also have stretch marks, though I’d assumed they came from puberty. I actually remember the time when my left breast grew bigger than my right. I was probably about 12-13 (I was in junior high because the memory includes wandering around that day in the halls with my hand clamped over one breast because it hurt so badly). I just remember it being painful.  My breasts look a lot like one of the pictures in the MMM book.

I don’t think that I had engorgement after birth. I did have a bit of warmth and itchiness, but not the hard breasts my midwives led me to believe I should have. Which is false anyhow, not all women have that symptom even with a normal supply.

Symptoms against IGT:

My breasts have always felt fairly glandy. If that’s a word. They aren’t very soft, instead tending to be firm. I’ve noticed them floating in the pool for the first time since I’ve had my baby.  I’ve never really gained weight in my breasts and they don’t seem to be primarily fatty tissue. As I said, glandy. I was always good about getting my yearly exams when I lived in the US (things are 3 yearly here if everything’s been normal, which it has for me), and that usually included a breast exam. You’d think someone (one of the at least 5-6 different doctors I’d had do breast exams) would have said something if there were not much tissue there… Then again, maybe not.

I tended to leak. I mean, not buckets, but changing my baby in the middle of the night, her crying would give me a wet shirt. Easily 5ml from one side and maybe 2 from the other. Also sometimes when I was feeding the other side would leak. Not enough to collect, or really  need pads, but enough to be messy.

This is a bit odd. I have some extra nipple tissue on one of my areola. So, while my breasts were not really engorged, that area swelled up like a blister. It got about peanut-in-the-shell sized.  I could get milk out of it, but it wasn’t easy. Apparently it was connected to some ducts as well.

When I was in the hospital after giving birth I had to hand express some colostrum. My baby would not initially latch well, she couldn’t open her mouth wide enough and when I tried biological nurturing style she shredded my nipples and gave me hickeys, preferring to latch onto any surface she could like a little suckerfish. Anyhow, as I was hand expressing colostrum the hospital midwives commented that at least my supply wasn’t a problem.  I know that colostrum production and milk production are not necessarily related (that is amount of colostrum does not indicate amount of milk), but it’s always made me doubt that supply was my problem, even when I was told it was.

While I don’t think my breasts did grow much during pregnancy and after, I know they did because bras from before pregnancy (still) don’t fit me. Also I had significant nipple pain during the first trimester.

I have had engorgement before to the point that one (just one, the other one has more fat on it I think) breast looked like a sack of peas. I went 15 hours without feeding or pumping when I had to travel for business. I had been accustomed to going 10-12 hours without pumping at that stage (my daughter was 11-12 months old), but the extra few hours made a big difference in comfort.

Symptoms for undiagnosed tongue tie

My baby has a lip tie for sure. She also was not able to hold herself on the breast until she could do it with her hands at over 6 months old. So I had to hold it in her mouth or it would fall out. Pacifiers (dummies) fell out of her mouth.  Even now she either holds them in with her teeth or her hand. Not that she’s much of a fan, they are more something to bite. She would leak milk when drinking from a bottle. She shredded my nipples early on. It wasn’t until 8-10 weeks that I didn’t look like ground meat from the cracking, and all the missing bits grew back. With some improvement in latch technique it didn’t hurt much after about 2-3 weeks. I did have nipple creasing for months. Since she got her upper front teeth I’ve felt them digging in to me somewhat, and she does leave little tooth indentations on me.

Her tongue has been forked in the past. As she gets larger and stretches it the fork has significantly lessened. For a while she was not able to touch her upper lip, but now she can. Nowhere near touching her nose, but she can now get the tip of her tongue over her upper lip.

She does have a ‘fence’ in her mouth per the Murphy manuever, though I can’t use Dr. Kotlow’s method of checking since it’s now a game to bite me when I try to feel what her tongue is up to.

When she touches her tongue to her upper lip the floor of her mouth tents up (as does mine…), and the sublingual salivary glands stick out (again, as do mine).

She has only rarely drained the breast, though that’s hard to gauge because my breasts don’t ever really seem to go totally soft because of the glandiness.

Symptoms against undiagnosed tongue tie

She has a pretty mobile tongue. I don’t see much inhibited movement to be honest, though I’m mainly comparing to myself, which is not a fair comparison, and she has been working on it as I try to gauge her tongue mobility by making faces at her. Perhaps it’s improved as she’s gotten bigger. She doesn’t have much in the way of frenulum either, though I know with PTT that can be the case.

Symptoms for PCOS related complcations

I suspect my grandmother had some form of PCOS. She told me she got her period at age 10. I got mine at 11. I have elevated androgen levels and issues with carbohydrates and my weight. If I do have some form of PCOS the onset was when I was around 20. One lactation consultant told me my issue was probably PCOS related (no breast exam for me, no oral exam for the baby though).

Symptoms against PCOS related complications

I have completely regular periods (I’ve been irregular twice I can think of and once was after a miscarriage). A lot of doctors have hinted at PCOS, but no one has ever felt able to make a diagnosis. While I do experience mittelschmerz, no cysting has ever been observed during ultrasounds.

Other ‘what does it mean?’ issues:

I was living in an agricultural area before and during puberty. I had also been consuming large volumes of soy products (dairy free from 8 to 13, then dairy and soy free) and been put on various calorie restrictive diets by my family from age 8 including a diet from age 13 to 17 that did not allow me to eat sugar, wheat, dairy, soy (as I had developed an allergy), any fruit other than grapefruit and lemon. I also experimented with veganism during this time (though that didn’t last long). I skipped a lot of meals, not eating for up to 12 hours at a time (sometimes longer) until I was in my early 20′s.

Fenugreek did not work for me. I couldn’t take enough to get the ‘smell’ and I didn’t see any difference with the amount I was taking (up to 12 pills daily. I also tried spoonfuls of soaked seeds as well as fenugreek seeds cooked with barley and tea made from a spoonful of seeds). Domperidone seemed to decrease my supply, or at least my let down. Blessed thistle made it so I did not have to supplement at night times and fennel and oatmeal were some of the more helpful things I tried. Anise seed, licorice root, red clover and nettle were also helpful. Vitex increased my supply, though I didn’t try it until after 12 months.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a fairly robust, if apparently insufficient,  milk supply. Since pumping at work and altering my pumping schedule until I no longer pumped I noticed that it would take at least a week to stop feeling discomfort from a missed pumping session. I only ever pumped 30-50ml per session combined. I expect the 18 hour per day feedings and excess pumping in the first 6 weeks helped me lay down adequate prolactin receptors so that my supply remained robust.

Prior to getting pregnant I had been having 9-11 day luteal phases with spotting before my period started, which can indicate a hormonal issue. However, this was for the months in between a miscarriage and getting pregnant with my daughter. I had not previously experienced much spotting before starting my period. I do expect that a 10 day luteal phase is more or less normal for me though.

I didn’t get my period back until nearly 16 months postpartum, and only after much cutting down on breastfeeding. I make the supposition that the inefficient sucking, as well as the numerous night time feeds,  delayed it’s return because sucking stimulation releases the oxytocin which inhibits menstruation.

Oh, then there were the array of potential medical issues. I lost 600ml of blood, which is within normal for a C-section, but if I recall correctly over 500ml can cause issues in some people. I had an emergency c-section. I was overhydrated both before and after birth because of my blood pressure being so low (to the point of breast edema, though it didn’t delay my milk, which came in, such as it was, on day 3). I had low platelets. Not dangerously low, but enough to be mildly alarming. I had been taking iron pills in my second and third trimester, but had run out early in my third trimester and my midwives didn’t think to give me more. So I could have been anemic.

What might have been

I’ve had some passing retrospective…introspective? Something ‘spective at any rate, moments of late of what might have been. Wondering what kind of person I would have been if we’d not had these issues. It kind of makes me afraid. I wonder if I would have been as inflexible and uncompromising as I see some people be on the subject of breastfeeding issues. Part of me doesn’t think so though since I am prone to compassion. I certainly wouldn’t have the ability to empathize quite as strongly as I do now. I think it takes staring choices you never thought you’d have to make in the face to really get some things. I do know that our problems have made me a better, and certainly more complex, person though. I’m certainly more thoughtful about how other peoples struggles are not my own.  I read somewhere recently that exceptional people consider others just as able as they are if not more so. That people who have succeeded consider others more able than they are. And that really hit home for me. Because I have often wondered, why me? Both as to why this happened and to how and why I got through it.

I never really considered myself that out of the ordinary in terms of our struggles. I mean, unusual to be having them, I suppose, but once I got into dealing with things I certainly didn’t feel extraordinary in any way-except that I was alone with my struggles. People in similar situations to me either met their original goal or went a different way. There was no one else who was defining alternate goals on the fly and making those work.  I guess that I consider myself mostly lucky despite not having any help. Lucky that I stumbled on the fact that the SNS existed (and found somewhere to buy one), lucky that my baby latched on,  lucky that my baby tolerated the SNS, lucky that being told over and over again that I couldn’t do this made me mad instead of stop.

I certainly understand communities of women who have faced breastfeeding difficulties (the Fearless Formula Feeder community springs to mind) being fiercely defiant over their eventual choice and outcome. Finding solidarity over what ended up being best for them and being proud that they are better people for their struggles. I feel the same way although my choice was different, and thus more isolating, than most. Most every community I’ve found is either banded together over something I only share peripherally (which has made me an object of suspicion), or a collection of people bound together over their isolation. Which doesn’t exactly make for much of a community…

I’ve talked to a lot of people experiencing issues with breastfeeding. I’ve referred those who asked to what I did that worked, to the support I’ve found along the way and of those one has taken my advice on support networks (MOBI), and none have found my experience or advice particularly helpful. I suppose it was faulty of me to assume that just because I would have loved some support from someone like me that anyone else would be grateful for advice from someone who’d been there, done that and made it work for them. Which leaves me wondering, why me? Previous to these experiences I would not have thought this would have been something I was capable of.

A big part of becoming happy with how things are (other than time, which heals most wounds) is extracting myself from negative influences. Without people telling me that even though I was doing something tricky with little to no guidance that I was ‘actually’ failing by their definition, or alternately that I should stop doing something that was working for me in order to make my life easier caused me no end of heartache. Because I kept searching for somewhere to ‘fit’ I endured more pain than I needed.  And of course the eventual realization that I did do the right thing. Finally being able to look back and feel a tiny glimmer of pride at what I did do, whether or not it worked, or if it was what I’d planned. I did that. I helped grow that little person not through our struggles or what I fed her but through love and parenting. So no matter what I’m glad I’m not what I might have been because me, now, is better. My little toddler certainly has her priorities straight. What her baby-doll needs most are apparently kisses and hugs.

So this kind of means I don’t want to go looking for things to write about because there are some scary uncompromising people out there.

So with that I’m winding this thing down to the extent there won’t be bi-weekly, or maybe even weekly posts. Certainly for now, but who knows about later? How I’ve been operating lately is write a bunch when I have time and auto-schedule the lot. But I don’t have anything much scheduled. I have a few posts readied for various circumstances and occasions (watch this space for a tutorial on making milk jewelry), but nothing regular. I might even start publishing my previously mentioned journal on a semi-regular basis. And if I see or think of something I may, or may not, feel motivated to write something up, but not going to be making the effort to be weekly, or potentially even monthly.

Or I could add a parenting subsection and go on about that…

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