I’m not sure how to feel.
I’m doing my best to be optimisitic. As several midwives have said, and I know, every breastfeeding experience is different. I’m certainly living a different pregnancy, so that point is well and truly home.
This child could have a totally different mouth shape, I should grow additional glandular tissue, things could go off without a hitch.
On the other hand I’m preparing for the worst. No one able to treat this simple issue, no official diagnosis, having to travel to an oral surgeon on the other island with a newborn and hoping that something can be done. Being refused.
I’m set up better this time, that’s certain. I have experience, I know what to look for…sort of. I have someone who says they will aid me with referrals and seeing specialists. It’s a very confusing feeling, being optimisitic while preparing for incompetence.
I have the what-ifs on all sides. What if things do appear normal? I’m going to still be paranoid and stressed. I’m going to worry that my supply will drop off if a problem is missed or dismissed. What if it is my issue with production? What if there is a problem and no one can see anything? I still don’t know what I’ll do in all situations. I can only hope that either things are normal and no problems appear, things are abnormal but easily recognized and fixable, or I can manage the problem the way I did before. That last one is certainly not the preferred option.
It feels bittersweet to think that my best option is a problem, easily recognized and largely fixable.
I wonder sometimes what I’m thinking. Walking back into this trauma, both to get it right, and because it’s the right thing for us to do.